Category Archives: Couples Issues

Sexual Addiction Strikes A Marriage – What To Do?

Everything Is Not As It Seems

 I believed that our life was perfect. We were young, supposedly happy, a great business giving us financial comfort, and our third child was on the way. Everything was just bliss. Nothing could go wrong, or so I thought.

My ex-boyfriend, who is now my husband, even defended me to his tiger mom. We were just 18 when we learned that I was pregnant. All throughout our relationship of two years, his mom and aunts were against us. They were even harassing me and telling me to let go of their “prince,” the heir to their business and family name. He came from a very influential family, and of course, certain things were expected of him. It wasn’t anticipated from him that he would impregnate a regular girl from a typical family – that’s me.

And so, when we learned of the fruit of our love growing inside, we eloped and only returned when his family (mainly his mom) agreed that we get married. Fairytale story, huh? It was at first, but when you are young and forced into a situation that you are not ready for, consequences abound. Our wedding was grand, and the most important people in our city became our godparents.

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The Best Wedding Ever

They went all out with our wedding. It was lovely. My gown was made of the most exquisite silk and chiffon from Italy, with Swarovski crystals, of course. It was handmade by the best seamstress in the city and designed the country’s top fashion designer for the celebrities. We held the wedding at a 7-star hotel partly owned by their family, and yes, everything was just faultless.

At 18, we had our own house named after my husband, and a part of their business was given to him as his bread and butter. We were having the time of our lives. Little did I know that our life will be a roller coaster ride times ten.

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He Can’t Control It

I won’t sugar coat it anymore. My husband had sex with anyone who came his way and was wearing a skirt. The list included his secretary (such a cliché), half of his clients, some of the mothers of his friends, and believe it or not, our nanny. I think that I tried to satisfy his urges, but I’m not enough, I guess. He had to do it every day, and at least twice a day. With my hands full of work and the kids, how can I fulfill his needs?

The priest said, and I committed to those vows – for better or for worse. He is not a terrible person, but he is at his worst right now. His children adore him to bits, and if he is a stupid man, he won’t give his love, time, and effort for them. It’s just that something is wrong with my husband. He likes mature women and would get turned on by the sight of the – tall, dark-haired, sexy, and powerful, mostly. Just like his mother.

I later learned that sex addiction is more than just sex. “Someone with sex addiction isn’t just someone who loves sex. The main symptoms of sex addiction include a loss of control, failed attempts to stop unwanted sexual behavior, and a pattern of negative consequences from anxiety to depression and legal problems.” This was said by Dr. Joe Kort.

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Husband Asked For My Help

He learned of his problem. “Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts. Like all addictions, its negative impact on the addict and on family members increases as the disorder progresses. Over time, the addict usually has to intensify the addictive behavior to achieve the same results,” says Michael Herkov, Ph.D.

Not too long ago he asked me for help. He said he wants to change and I see his remorse. Even if my heart bleeds for his behavior, I compelled myself to help him. We had a discreet meeting with a counselor, and we found out that my husband is a sexual addict, and he may be one of those mother-fixated men.

Current treatment might include, according to Dorothy C. Hayden, LCSW.

participating in a 12-step program;
going to an outpatient clinic;
engaging in aversion therapy; or
using medications to stave off hypersexuality.

Right now, he is under therapy for his compulsive behavioral issues, and I am supporting him in all ways possible. We are still married, and I don’t plan on leaving him. I just pray that he gets better, and will learn how to cope with his disorder.

I’m Trusting Online Therapy Will Save My Marriage

Getting into a relationship is easy. Staying in it is the challenge. In the long run, you will start to realize that it’s not all about the hugs and kisses. Troubles will begin to rise from once small issues surrounding your marriage. Compatibility is an issue no matter how much you deny it. They say “opposites attract.” This statement is believable when you are in high school or early adulthood, but once you reach the age where you are already looking for stability, every detail of a person’s personality is vital, as his priorities and values in life.

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Dear Couples, Argue Your Issues Out!

Study Says Couples Who Argue With Each Other Stay Together Longer

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We see arguing and fighting as synonymous with each other and, at times, they are. However, relationships are a different matter. And, according to experts, the difference between these two words can make your relationship with your spouse or partner last longer, stronger.

“Many hidden reasons can fuel bitter fights. If we are to stop the fighting, we need to understand what each side is protecting or getting out of the fights. Maybe then we can help each of them feel better and then find happier ways to manage their differences.”Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.

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Marriage Counseling Isn’t Just A Lifeline But Also A Helpline

When To Seek Professional Help In Your Marriage

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A couple needs to work on their relationship for their “happily ever after” to happen.

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The 7 Most Common Issues Married Couples Fight About

As Revealed By Marriage Counselors And Therapists

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From sex to money, marriage counselors and therapists weigh in on the seven most common issues married couples don’t see eye-to-eye.

“A healthy relationship requires knowing the skills necessary for “friendly fighting” — dealing with conflict respectfully and working together to find a workable solution. Friendly fighting means working out differences that matter. It means engaging passionately about things we feel passionate about, without resorting to hurting one another.”Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.

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No Room For A Second Chance (How To Know It Is Over)

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In a relationship, a lot of us believe that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Therefore, the things that hurt us in the slightest of ways get ignored. Perhaps we think that some things are worth to forget and some mistakes require instant forgiveness. “When we choose to hold onto this anger and let it eat us up, it can make us irritable, impatient, distracted, and even physically ill.Forgiveness is all about us, and not about the other person. We don’t forgive other people because they deserve it.”Kurt Smith, Psy.D., LMFT, LPCC, AFC.

But does it have to be like that all the time? Do we entirely need to exert effort to wholeheartedly accept the person who always hurt us without an excuse? I don’t think so. Even the nicest individual in the world will agree that some things need to change for the better.

Love And Prejudice

We often mistake the idea of love for affection. A lot of us believe that when there is this strong connection, we appear obliged to follow a not-so-worthy relationship rule, which is to forgive and forget. However, the problem lies in the consistency of the damage. You see, it is easy to apologize and say sorry. However, it becomes hard to keep making things better after that. As a result, the apology gets overused because mistakes are getting its way back on its line. Then what happens? We begin to tolerate the slips. We begin to have this ideology that perhaps we deserve the things that are currently in front of us. That whatever we do to make things better, it will be useless because the whole thing relates to our idea of love.

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The Sad Truth

“Things don’t disappear on their own. You need to make the commitment to “let it go.” If you don’t make this conscious choice up-front, you could end up self-sabotaging any effort to move on from this past hurt.”John M. Grohol, Psy.D.

Second chances appear given to those people who deserve it. However, there is no guarantee to know when a person needs it. Unfortunately, we often look at the brighter side of every mistake of our significant other that we do not consider creating an adjustment to how we should deal with things. We get used to the idea that to save a relationship, we have to allow chances multiple times. We become weak in creating decisions because we only focus on hopes and dreams. That is the problem why we get stuck in an unhealthy relationship. We heed towards change, but we, ourselves, do not try and work on it.

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It Is Over

It may sound inconsiderate, but the process of giving multiple chances to an individual who doesn’t know how to use it well is stupidity. Yes, it is not love, neither consideration. It is a stupid gesture that we do we believe that people change once we tell them what we think and how we feel. But no! It merely represents an act of ignorance towards the situation we cannot handle. But do not get me wrong. I do not intend to say that we should not forgive those people who hurt us. We should because that is the only thing that brings us peace. What I am trying to emphasize here is that these people, if they are genuinely concern about us, they will exert an effort never to commit the same mistake over and over again. But if that is not how they see us, then we have to guiltlessly call it quits.

“So what is the solution to dealing with resentment against your spouse and its possible escalation to anger? The solution is to channel the shock at your spouse’s behavior into empathy, to try and understand them, and to come at the situation trying to see their perspective.”Dr. Alicia H. Clark.

Importance Of Counseling When Your Partner Self-Harms

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“Self-Harm as a coping strategy does work for many people and they would say it reduces stress, but only for a short time. Often shame and embarrassment follow the act of self-injurious behavior and this can increase stress levels, so self-harm could be described as a maladaptive coping skill. In the long run it is not helping the person to solve and master their problems; it is becoming one of the problems.”Theresa Larsen, coordinator of a mental health awareness program for youth.

Cutting, burning, or even hitting oneself are some of the forms of self-harm that have been around from centuries ago and up until today. There are many explanations to why people do this. The most common would be because of emotional stress and pressure. With such tension building up, resorting to these methods somehow relieve numbs away the pain.

“Self-harming behavior may look like a form of self-punishment. It may be, but it also serves as a mechanism for emotional self-regulation for those with unresolved trauma.”Robyn Brickel, MA, LMFT.

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Stop It! Do Not Feel Sorry For Ending An Unhealthy Relationship

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“Forgiveness is letting go of the need for revenge and releasing negative thoughts of bitterness and resentment,” according to Lynn Ponton, MD.

There is a thin line between forgiveness and tolerance. That is especially when your romantic relationship is the one causing an emotional and mental imbalance to your overall development. If you and your significant other are contributing damage to each other instead of growth, it becomes a reason that both of you should consider moving away from each other. With that said, the choice of ending a relationship is a must in this particular circumstance. But what if your partner has no idea of what is entirely going on? What if your loved one is still in the process of trying to understand the necessity of adjustments? Will you be able to excuse yourself for deciding to call it quits?

In all honesty, there is no such thing as an unintentional breakup. Both you and your partner end up separating because both or one of you decides to finish whatever it is that holds the relationship. No one can blame who for leaving, and no one can force the other one to stay. But if you are the one who decides to cut ties and move away, your explanation is more than needed. Perhaps you feel uncomfortable, or you are not happy anymore. Whatever your reasons are, one thing will only state it – personal choice.

“As you build up your confidence and regroup, you’ll get clearer about what you want next. Some pieces from your past may continue onward, but some may completely change. Be selective about what you bring along for the ride and trust the process as it unfolds. Don’t cling.” This is from counselor Victoria Gigante, Ed.M.

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The Validation Of The Final Decision

Let us assume that your romantic relationship is full of shit. There is toxicity everywhere that makes you feel vulnerable to too much anxiety, stress, and depression. With all that pressure, you feel entitled to end whatever it is you have romantically. But then you delay the decision because there is a part of you that tells you should wait and be patient. With that, you are going to do things over again. Is that worth the risk? Well, for some people, they believe that the right to end a relationship depends on its level of unhealthiness. But who can determine what those things are? No one! That is the reason they come up to a deciding point to call the relationship off when it is already too late.

Takeaway

“There is great value in mastering the skill of forgiving but not forgetting. Taking good care of ourselves requires regular forgiveness of others. Remember, we do it for us, not for them. And we don’t obsess, but we don’t forget, either, so we can take the valuable life lessons with us.”Kurt Smith, Psy.D., LMFT, LPCC, AFC,

You see, if there is no need to worry about; then do not worry. You are not and never will be guilty of choosing your overall health. You do not hold any explanation as to why you prefer peace and mindfulness over a toxic relationship. You do not have to feel uncomfortable with the decision of choosing your emotional and mental development. Regardless of what is on the line, it does not matter. You have to live with your peace and stay true to yourself.

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No one can tell when a relationship reaches its full toxicity. There may be signs that can determine it, but it can never be a guarantee to become a turning point. However, one thing is sure. Nobody deserves a painful and stressful commitment. It is not right to stay in a disturbing situation only to tell yourself that you are indeed in a relationship.

Depression Pushed My Love Away

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Depression can kill romance and make your sex life boring.  When this happens, it will definitely push your love away, and this is the worst scenario you would not want to happen or else it will leave you more depressed.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-V), at least five of the following symptoms must be present within a two-week period with at least one of the symptoms being depressed mood. Additionally, these symptoms must cause apparent distress in social and occupational functioning.

Sleep disturbance
Loss of interest in activities
Feelings of guilt
Loss of energy
Difficulty concentrating
Change in appetite
Psychomotor agitation
Sadness
Suicide ideations

(Mentioned in an article by Kristen Fuller, M.D.)

Most of us struggle with depression at some point in our lives. In fact, depression is the number one cause of disability worldwide according to the World Health Organization.  It doesn’t only cause us to be ineffective in our workplace, but it also affects our ability to love our self and our spouse.

 

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Never Ever Do These Things When You Are In A Relationship (Part II)

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“Finding a long-term partner is the most important decisions you will ever make in your life. It’s actually a good thing to question it. Learning how to know if he’s the one allows you to look at your relationship in a new light.”Lianne Avila, marriage counselor.

In case you still do not understand the importance of keeping a relationship, you might as well consider taking a step back and think about things through. I am not saying that you have to spend an amount of time and effort trying to figure out if your relationship is working or not. All I am trying to say is that you should take a moment to process the problems of your relationship internally. Admit it. You often look outside of the box. You focus too much on the factors that damage your relationship, such as pressure, incompatibility, minor disagreements, and so on. However, you do not intend to evaluate how you react when it comes to engaging with relationship issues.

Never Ever Speak Ill About Your Partner To People You Both Know

“When someone talks kindly and favorably about us, we typically stand up straighter and feel called to higher character,” Jessica Higgins, Ph.D said. “When someone speaks negatively about us, we tend to feel hurt, angry, defensive and resentful.” She’s frequently heard partners say: “If you are going to call me a jerk, I am going to act like a jerk.”

I guess it is normal for you to talk to your friends and family about your relationship situation. Understandably, there is some emotional and mental struggle that needs to come out. But what is not okay is when you intentionally or unintentionally speak ill about your significant other. There is no amount of excuse for that. Not only you are damaging your partner’s reputation, but you are also giving people a wrong impression of your way of handling specific relationship situation. Blaming your significant others for the inconsistencies of the relationship and shoving it to people will not solve anything. Instead, it will only create a more extensive gap that both you and your partner might never patch.

“Excessive complaining doesn’t usually occur in one area, like relationships,” said Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT. “Those who complain tend to have a habit of doing so in life.”

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Never Ever Post Any Relationship Issues On Social Media

Yeah right. You are only trying to express emotions and current mood on your wall. There is nothing personal with that. Therefore, you do not genuinely have to worry about what others might say or think about your status. But is that how you entirely see it? Seriously, if you can’t keep your relationship private, then do not be in a relationship. If you do not understand the meaning of privacy, then do not commit to the responsibility of keeping things in a low profile. Yes, you can brag it online and tell people how good your relationship is. But never post your issues on social media because honestly, nobody cares. You are only trying to ruin yourself by allowing people to comment on your rant.

Never Ever Believe What People Tell You About Your SO

If there is one thing you need to do to keep your relationship healthy; that is never, ever to believe what people tell you about your significant other. But, not unless they have proof to support their unfavorable claim towards your partner, allow yourself to have the benefit of the doubt. Ask your partner about it and have a sincere conversation. But if there’s not much evidence to support anything malicious, then never believe what people say. You and your SO are on the same team so you should work together. Remember, one false accusation can lead to emotional and mental destruction.

Stabilizing a relationship takes quite a lot of effort. But it doesn’t mean you can’t work on it.